Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Letter #1

Dear You,

Hi there. I'm going to be your mom. That is, I already am your mom. I'm writing to tell you that I'm looking forward to meeting you in February.

I don't know if you're a boy or a girl, so when I picture you, I just picture Love giggling. (Does that make sense? You can always tell me if you don't understand what I'm talking about.) I also imagine your little fingers, your dimpled knees. Sometimes when I breathe in, I think I can smell the scent of your brand new skin, warm and pink and perfect.

I've never been a mom before. I hope you'll think I'm good at it.

I sing to you in the car every morning on the way to work. I do the harmonies, too, so you can hear how music works. That's my favorite thing I know how to do -- being able to sing harmonies. I'll teach you how to hear the extra notes, if you want. It's okay if it doesn't interest you, though. You'll probably like different things.

I'm not perfect. I mess up a lot. I can feel it happening when I do it, and I don't like it. I'm working on that. I'll always be working on that.

I love you already.

I know the moment you came to be. I felt you, before any of the tests could confirm it. I kept getting chills, not from the cold, but from the purest touch of happiness. I even wrote it down on a piece of paper, "I just felt you." I still get those chills, from time to time, like you're blowing me kisses from inside.

You're going to love your dad. He's a lot more fun than I am. When I'm not around, he'll probably sneak you junk food, and let you watch TV for hours on end when you're supposed to be cleaning your room or reading or playing outside. He doesn't like eating vegetables much, so you'll probably have that in common for at least a few years. And he'll make you laugh during dinner. And during breakfast. And pretty much all the time. He's going to be your hero. He's my hero.

He knows all the best movies. Let him show you the black and white ones. Those are some of the best, even if they're not in color.

Don't worry when your dad beats you at Scrabble. He beats everybody at Scrabble. (If you win, it's because he let you. Don't tell him I told you.)

I love your dad a lot. I'm relieved you'll be able to grow up seeing that.

At some point, you will eat your first peach, its fuzzy, funny skin sticking to your tongue, making you laugh. You'll bite into your first fig, turning it inside out to see the colors, and the little seeds will pop between your teeth, reminding you of strawberries. You'll whack the back of a pomegranate to loosen the tangy pearls, your fingers and lips stained. When you see something red, you'll shout out, Pomegranate!, and I'll smile at how clever you are.

Or, maybe you won't like any of those things. Which I promise is fine, too.

I have so many good books for you to borrow! I do kind of hope that you'll like to read.

But if you don't, that's okay.

Your dad and I, we haven't done this before. So we might not get the little things right. But the big things, we'll be really good at. We'll love you more than anyone has ever been loved in the history of all loved children. We'll let you be you, even when it's hard to understand who you are. We'll give you the peach, the paint brush, the pages, the calculator, the atlas, and let you choose your way.

I have so many things I want to say.

You sure do like to kick me a lot. You've been kicking me, over and over as I write this to you, as if you're trying to have your say.

I wonder what your voice will be.

I wonder what your life will be.

Did I tell you that I love you already? You, who were once the size of a pea, and then a peanut, then a lemon, and a grapefruit, and now you're almost a banana. You, who keeps your dad and me up at night, the two of us talking and wondering and imagining, while you kick, kick, kick in my belly.

I have so many things I want to say.

But, mostly, this:

I love you already.

22 comments:

  1. Happy, happy for you and your husband!

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  2. that gave me the chills. What a gorgeous letter that one day your child will cry over as well. My favorite part is how you talk about your husband... you are correct, a kid observing love is the best thing for him/her. Congratulations!

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  3. * sigh * you almost make me want to have kids. almost.

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  4. So lovely. I love the peanut/pomegranate already too!

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  5. A beautiful, heartfelt letter. I love your writing. Lucky baby!

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  6. so wonderful...more tears from more, more of your heart you put out there. february probably feels so far away, but before you know it, that grapefruit will be a football and then in your arms...enjoy all that kicking from the inside, you'll miss it when it's gone

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  7. Oh I'm crying. I think there is nothing more loved than all that possibility of an unborn baby, but then the baby is born and all that possibility becomes tangible and the love does too and you think you couldn't love that baby any more. And then that baby grows and so does your love and the grip on your heart just becomes stronger, more entrenched, every day.

    Does wee banana have a nickname yet? The Nuni was the Nuni from when she was about peanut sized.

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  8. As of this morning, we are naming the baby after our dog's favorite activity. And also after Lucille Ball's maiden name on I Love Lucy. So for today, the baby is named Trembles McGillicuddy Coyne. I like it.

    I've come to realize that my penchant for wanting a boy is mostly because I want someone to give my old comic books and Tonka trucks to. What I really wanted was to be a little boy again myself, playing in the dirt with our son, with action figures, metal detectors, and canteens filled with grape Kool-aid.

    But the other day we had our most revealing ultrasound. I saw...a child. Our child. Sealed in an envelope is the gender of our next generation. I was concerned about the prospect of a girl until now. I don't like tea, pink, dance recitals, Hello Kitty, Shirley Temple, tampon commercials or guys like me trying to date nice girls like my daughter.

    I know what boys are like. They see a tree as a ladder, a shovel as a ticket to buried treasure, bacon as a gift from the gods. But girls will always be a mystery to me. What's in style? What do we talk about? Will she realize that Kelly's Heroes, Monty Python and the Holy Grail and The Great Escape are appropriate viewing for any night? Will she like monsters and worms and Totino's Pizza Rolls for breakfast? Will it be 2 against 1 at home? Will she be safe even when I'm not there to protect her? Will I know what to say when he heart is broken?

    But I've come to realize something. And it's something so simple that I'm surprised it hasn't tattooed itself onto my brain already.

    This is a big world. I don't know where her life will take her or who she will become. But you are right. She will have parents who aren't afraid to love. And she will have something else.

    She will have a father who is married to his very favorite person. Out of everyone on this big blue marble, he found his favorite person. And she said yes. She will have a mother who is loving, talented, funny and an eternal surprise. A mom who climbed trees as a girl and looks great in a skirt. A mom who dips her pizza crust in ranch dressing and likes to steam vegetables. A mom who loves The Bourne Ultimatum and reading Alice Munro. A mom who knows how to laugh and when to groan. A mom who screams at the TV during football season and cries while reading.

    In other words, if you do turn out to be a girl, you will be the most amazing girl in this big world. Because you will be the daughter and student of my favorite person.

    Still, if you are a boy, I've been saving my comic books since the 70's and they are all yours.

    - Futuredad

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  9. Okay, you guys made me cry. You have one lucky little baby that's coming to join you. Congratulations to you both!

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  10. Cried after reading the original post, and again when I read "Futuredad" Noncentz's letter. Stop it, both of you!

    What a lucky daughter or son you'll have, with two such extraordinary people as parents.

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  11. It's so easy to feel the love through your words. You are truly a gifted writer.

    And perhaps when your baby isn't a baby anymore she (or he) will find all the love letters you wrote, and will be filled with so much love and joy.

    And it will feel familiar, because it was there all along.

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  12. This might be the loveliest batch of comments ever. Thank you, everyone, for coming on this journey with me! And, Savour, we haven't quite nailed down a nickname, though we have fun coming up with new ones every day. Right now, I'm calling the baby Gnocchi. :)

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  13. What a lucky, lucky child... english is not even my first language and I got emotional all the same. Both of you will be amazing parents, and I am 100% sure on that (which I rarely am). Never mind the fact that you and I live in different countries, LOVE is something that can be felt from a distance, even a big one. And that was love, in each and every word.

    I can only hope that, someday, when I become a momma too, I´ll be able to express myself so well as you guys have. (honestly, I think I´ll just be amazed by the fact that I am to be called momma from that day on...wow...)

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  14. Hi! I'm delurking just to say hello and how happy your blog makes me. It's like I'm getting a random hug. I'm sending you warm fuzzies from the South.

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  15. So that's what it's supposed to feel like when you're pregnant, not like that poor schmuck in the movie Alien who has a parasite in his belly. You will make such wonderful parents.
    I'm so happy for all three of you. And your blog makes me laugh and cry... well done.

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  16. I am crying right here at my desk. Beautiful post and beautifully blessed child inside you. Congratulations!

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  17. What an amazing post. Your child is lucky to have such wonderful parents. Congratulations!

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  18. congrats on your nomination will follow on twitter and enjoy our blog Rebecca

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  19. Beautiful! Congrats to the both of you and all the best for this new incredible journey.

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  20. Wow! I am so inspired by your writing and most touched by the love that you so beautifully express. Congratulations and enjoy the beauty of your pregnancy, your birth and your the amazement of parenthood! I feel inspired as my husband and I look ahead at becoming pregnant too :)

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  21. Thank you for reminding us parents "in the trenches" just why we decided to venture into the wild in the first place! The firsts are worth everything...I wish you the foresight to take a "mental pic" of all of the precious moments because they are gone before you know it! Everyone tells you that they grow up so fast but SERIOUSLY...they do! Just breathe in every second of his/her existence...before you know it you will be arguing about what to pack in their lunch...hmmm....that will make for an interesting blog entry!

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